WrestleMania is finally here, and we’re off to a great start when Tama Tonga was attacked by LA Knight upon arrival, using a car door to smash Tonga’s left hand. How swell. Aside from that slight brutality, Seth Rollins opened the evening. Since the crowd were really feeling themselves, they started chanting CM Punk’s song as Rollins imitated his leg-crossing sit down and roasted him as well by informing us that Punk didn’t come back because the fans were chanting his name, he came back due to receiving two paychecks. But I don’t feel offended because I need to care about the situation first.

Apparently, all the animosity brewing between these men dates back 12 years ago with Paul Heyman. The wise man brought Reigns, Rollins and Dean Ambrose to WWE to become Punk’s shield, hence the name. Seth didn’t appreciate the lack of recognition he got for all he did, instead the cameras were fixated on Roman. I’ll say! In all seriousness, Reigns is the least interesting person I’ve met, but his face is constantly shoved in mine. Regardless, Rollins refocused his sights on WrestleMania.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Rey Fenix entered the ring as the rest of the field already stormed in. Shinsuke Nakamura, Chad Gable, R-Truth, Carlito, Carmelo Hayes, Legado del Fantasma, Alpha Academy, the Creed Brothers are just a few of the Superstars competing in this Battle Royal.

I don’t know what the hell was going with Truth, he grabbed Carlito’s apple and started munching it. Despite that, Lito was eliminated first. Truth soon followed after The Miz knocked him off the apron saving Hayes. Los Garza team up to attempt at removing Fenix from the equation, but Rey got the better of them by slinging Humberto out and delivering an uppercut to Angel.

A-Town Down Under disposed of Pretty Deadly simultaneously and hilariously. Ha! Pete Dunne and Tyler Bates were nearly overwhelmed by Waller and Theory. It was Kaiser’s drop kick to Bates’ stomach that sent him crashing on the floor. Elsewhere, Santos applied some trickery in recruiting Fenix, and Rey declined by tossing Escobar out. Oh, right, Tozawa was taken out, so Otis went after the Creeds only to eliminate them and himself.

Yay! Waller and Theory were shot by Andrade and terminated. Funnily so, all the remaining Luchadores: Fenix, Andrade, Cruz del Toro, Joaquin Wilde, and Dragon Lee, ganged up on Gable to throw him outside. Like piranhas. Shinsuke terminated Wilde, while Karrion Kross took care of del Toro. Because of Kross’ boastful uncaringness of Lee’s attempt, he still lost anyway. Nakamura tossed Dragon away after that.

It took a while, a lot of core strength was applied, but Dunne managed to terminate Kaiser. Amazingly so, Miz was unselfish when he saved Melo, but it cost him dearly. In return, Hayes dumped Dunne. Now, we’re down to the final four: Nakamura, Andrade, Hayes, and Fenix. Just as Shin was lining something up, he foolishly thought he would have the leeway to execute it without interference… Well, a typhoon came in the form of Andrade. Later on, annoyingly done, El Grande Americano came out of nowhere and eliminated Fenix.

Y’all still think that’s NOT Chad Gable??

Both Andrade and Melo were putting everything on the mat since they’ve given seven of the best back-to-back matches of last year. And with that, Hayes flipped Andrade off the middle rope, winning the illustrious trophy. Miz materialized out of nowhere to celebrate with Melo.

Winner: Carmelo Hayes

Next up, we hear from Rhea Ripley, Iyo Sky, and Bianca Belair. Ripley was the first to pick up the microphone and made herself abundantly clear that she will be leaving WrestleMania Sunday as our 3-time Women’s World Champion. Sky entered the fray, but not without being cut off before even speaking by Belair’s music. Iyo was stunned. I love how there are three distinctively different individuals in the ring. Love it.

Belair throwing out stomping words was all well and fascinating, yet Naomi’s surprise inclusion perplexed Ripley. Ha! Ha! Her face expression killed me. She’s mad that Bianca hasn’t been acknowledging her for weeks now. Yeah, we all know what Naomi did, but some of your asses are forgetting the most crucial point, the trigger mechanism. Belair basically dumped Naomi on her butt for someone who hasn’t been here for at least three years and valued her over their decade-long friendship.

Ha! I know at this moment, Jade Cargill showed up, but I was too busy laughing when Wade said that Naomi was “dressed like a bad crime scene.” Oh dear, who says that? Anyway, Ripley came in-between and reminded Cargill that this isn’t about her, and honestly, we kind of derailed from the reason why we’re here. The next thing I know was that Naomi pushed Cargill into Rhea, who crashed in Belair, resulting in a brawl. Iyo was at a loss… So, she Moonsaulted Ripley and Belair, ending this kafuffle.

The Street Profits (c) vs. Motor City Machine Guns – WWE Tag Team Championship match 

While the Profits were making their entrance, getting closer and closer to the ring, the Motor City Machine Guns saw that as an opportunity to take them by shock. Chris Sabin forced Montez Ford inside the ring, so they can officially begin. They go after the champs as a unit until Ford started to fight back, pushing them as best he can by delivering a shoulder tackle to Sabin. Angelo Dawkins swooped in and uprooted Chris.

The Profits nearly retained off that blockbuster, yet Shelley intervened in time. Dawkins got upset and tried to clear him out, only to be the one landing on the floor. As payback, Angelo stroke with a right hand. Later on, Dawkins and Shelley brawl, which allowed the Profits to dominant. It took a little bit, but the Machine Guns got back on track when Sabin dodged Ford, so he could drop kick Dawkins off the apron.

After the failure of that drop kick flatliner combination from Motor City, Alex Shelley dug his crawls into Ford’s neck area. Montez almost fell victim to Skull and Bone, luckily, he managed to escape and tag Angelo. They came close to retaining when they included some teamwork double team. Sabin and Shelley hammered some of their own. Dawkins sensed Skull and Bone coming and disrupted it from happening. Ford took to the heavens and ploughed threw everyone.

Things were looking up for the Profits, that was the problem. DIY bamboozled all those within the match to hijack the Championships, ending this prematurely. Nick Aldis was pissed over these shenanigans that he took the initiative to officiate a TLC match for the titles next Friday.

Winners: Disqualification

As the night continued to move forward, the Viper Randy Orton slithered to the ring. He’s still without a match for WrestleMania, so he addressed that obvious disappointment. So, here’s what he chose to do. He’ll be there on Sunday with his boots laced up and baby oil on his skin ready to fight anyone who wants to test their grint. And speaking of making a mark, something is coming on April 25. Don’t ask me because I don’t know, but I’m highly anticipating the reveal.

Zelina Vega vs. Chelsea Green

I love it when Chelsea gets exactly what she deserves when Aldis ignored everything the champ said and announced a match between Green and Vega. Despite the sneaky start, Chelsea was on top of Zelina with an advantage. She shoved Zelina into the barricades after some of the brawling went outside. Miss Green loves to whine and complain, so that gave Vega the space to regain some strength and toss the champ into the timekeeper’s area. Bye bye, turds. Anyway, Vega was on a roll when she stumped Green out with an elbow to the gut. Regrettably, Chelsea was able to catch her with a kick thwarting Vega’s 619 attempt. Fortunately, Zelina made a comeback with a super Code Red from the top rope.

Winner: Zelina Vega

LA Knight & Braun Strowman vs. Solo Sikoa & Jacob Fatu??

LA Knight was so enraged with the Bloodline’s tactful movements of engulfing people with the numbers games, so he was happy when he took out Tama Tonga earlier. Sikoa was still pissed off by that as he charged as the Megastar just as he was doing the same and hits him with steel. The pole and the apron came after. Knight tried to fight back, but that devasting knee to the stomach was harmful. It stopped him for a while. However, that mocking from Sikoa strained him from continuing.

Nevertheless, Knight was the one doing well off that DDT, which encouraged his WrestleMania challenger, Jacob Fatu, to cause a disqualification as he tore into the Megastar. It wasn’t until Braun Strowman arrived that the groupings felt equal, and Aldis decided to turn this into a Tag Team match.

Strowman initiated the freight train as he bulldozed the Bloodline. When Fatu quickly got back to his feet, he almost pinned Braun. The Monster of all Monsters was fading fast, as unexpected as that can be. He was able to deliver a side waist suplex to Jacob to create space and tag Knight, who ran everyone down. Just as Strowman came rushing after Fatu, the Werewolf sidestepped and shoved the big man into the announcement table. Back inside the ring, Sikoa was looking for the Samoan Spike, Knight dodged and performed a winning BFT.

Winner: LA Knight & Braun Strowman

American Made vs. LWO – 6-man Tag Team match

Rey Fenix and Brutus Creed started this match up with hard-hitting strikes to the other’s jaw. Fenix went flying multiple times that Brutus couldn’t keep up. Even with Julius tagging in, the Luchadores were still on top of their game. Dragon Lee and Fenix were amazing to watch. A leaping crossbody from Lee nearly awarded the LWO with the victory if it weren’t for Gable’s intervention. Mysterio went running after Chad and got dragged onto the floor by Julius. Brutus pushed Fenix off the top. Then American Made teamed up with triple headbutts.

Lee got the fans out of their seats when he performed a triple stomp on American Made from the corner of the ring. It hurt like hell, but he was so good. He reached for Fenix for help. That sudden kick to Julius’ jaw wasn’t enough to keep the man down, so he tried with a crucifix pin. Julius saw this and dismantled Fenix by ricocheting the Luchador all over the ring. Despite that, Fenix stomped down on all of American Made. I laughed so much when Gable was too slow to move out of the way when Fenix hit him with Adios Amigos. He looked like an idiot. The LWO win with a Meteora from Fenix on Julius.

Winners: LWO

Ahead of their Championship match, Cena and Rhodes meet in the ring for the final time as the time is now. John is overrated. Cody is underwhelming. The fans are a poisonous concoction that some willing drink, while others can see through the one-sided facade. Rhodes might lose because of his inability to sever himself from the crowd. Cena could lose due to being out of time, out of date, and “his face is melting wax.” Ha!

Did I miss anything? Oh yes, the alleged streaking.

Night One tomorrow, Rollins, Punk and Reigns battle in a major Triple Treat match with Heyman in Punk’s corner. Proceed with caution, Jade, as she takes on Naomi. The World Tag Team Champions The War Raiders defend their titles against the New Day. El Grande Americano has been getting on the nerves of Rey Mysterio, so the Hall of Famer looks to teach him something about the essence of Lucha Libre. The US Champion defends his title versus the Samoan Werewolf Jacob Fatu. WWE Women’s Champion Tiffany Stratton meets her match in 14-time Champion Charlotte Flair. To finish things off, my boy Jey Uso will use his golden ticket, his skills and the support of his twin brother Jimmy to take Gunther down.

Night Two on Sunday, Raquel Rodriguez and Liv Morgan take on the newly formed duo, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria, in a Women’s Tag Team Championship match. Damian Priest and Drew McIntyre meet in a Sin City Street Fight. Bron Breakker must deal with Penta, Dominik Mysterio and Finn Balor in a Fatal 4-Way Intercontinental title match. I think you guys can imagine my reaction with this match card. AJ Styles, unfortunately, goes to battle against LP… You already know who I’m talking. I’m not writing his name. Anyway, the Triple Treat match for the Women’s World title will be a big one between Iyo Sky, Rhea Ripley, and Bianca Belair. And lastly, Cody Rhodes must defend his title against one the biggest Superstars on the planet in John Cena.

Special start time is 7 p.m. EST, 4 p.m. PT. Have fun!

 

TOP PHOTO: Seth Rollins talking to the fans. Courtesy of WWE